I’m not gay dude

Probably one of the hardest hurdles we face is our sexuality in the public space. Maybe you are gay or bisexual or straight, it doesn’t matter. That’s a separate issue. A womans sexuality is not called into question when she wears jeans. That’s because most women wear jeans today at some point or another, even mens jeans. But a guy in a skirt that is clearly not a kilt and dressed for daily life rather than specifically for the renaissance festival or something, is probably going to be viewed as gay or close to it. Maybe even a male prostitute.

It’s a sad fact we face and one I’m constantly aware of when out in public in mixed attire. Convincing the masses takes education and time. Even then it’s hard to teach old dogs new tricks. Look how many decades it took the LGBT community to gain some semblance of acceptance. Yet they are still fighting for equal rights and acceptance. Even then I would argue that only the LG part of that community has really gained ground. The B (bisexual) part is generally only accepted if you’re female. If you’re male and bisexual there is still a view that you must be a queer who just hasn’t come out of the closet yet. This mentality is even still in practice by some gays and lesbians. As for the T (transgender) there is a long way to go for acceptability there. At best most of them are seen as a fetish plaything by straight guys and couples who want to play with a chick with something extra. Ask them if they want to get into a relationship with a transperson and most would probably laugh. Sadly.

Crossdressers would probably most identify with the T section of the LGBT community. Being that there are many transgender people who start with all-out crossdressing as the oppoiste gender before proceeding onward toward hormone replace and perhaps even surgery. Whereas casual crossdressers are most analogous to the B section. Even to the same degree that female casual crossdressers are readily accepted like their bisexual female counterparts. But male casual crossdresser are seen (like their male bisexual counterparts) as just closeted gay guys.

Of course the one benefit we have as casual crossdressers over traditional crossdressers is that we aren’t as apparent many times. That really depends on what you’re wearing. But the fact that you probably aren’t in a wig and trying to act and/or speak all feminine is a good way to be more accepted. My theory is that your acceptance and unacceptance is less about what you’re wearing and more about your outward aura. Are you projecting yourself as a male or faking a female aura? Because people can tell. They aren’t stupid and when you are outwardly trying to fake being a female they’re going to see it and may well call you out on it.

Of course the best practice is just to be yourself. If you’re somebody with a deep equal masculine and feminine aspect to your personality then be that and always be that no matter what you are wearing. Don’t let your outward attire dictate your outward personality projection. Because doing that is fake and will be seen as just fetish. Nobody wants to see some guys fetish out in their daily lives. That’s creepy, not casual. Be casual.

As for how people judge your sexuality. Not much you can do there but correct them if they ask or assume. But don’t just blurt it out because that’s awkward and generally uncalled for. It’s going to take more public exposure of casual crossdressers more often before the general public will learn that sexuality isn’t linked to outward attire.

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  1. I posted some relevant links to the C. C. thread, Skirt Cafe. One was to a comment on another forum-mentioned in passing was the concept that Gender Expression may be distinct from Gender Identity. (And it seems that Sexual Orientation is distinct from these). Using the terms “Tomboy” and “psychology” I found a couple web sites that described studies…that showed that different levels of testosterone may affect the fetal brain, resulting in gender atypical behavior-Tomboys are born that way. So my question is, could a similar process affect a fetal brain, and cause the birth of Male Identified boy who is imprinted-neurologically-with Female Gender Expression? I would supposed that in most people Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression are coordinated in a conventional manner.

  2. I first discovered crossdressing (or more accurately, it discovered me) at least a decade before the Internet was available to anyone except a few rocket scientists, so I had NO idea what was going on in my brain. I spent a good 15 years or more sorting out whether I was gay, whether I was meant to be a woman, whether I was just some freak of nature, or what. What I wouldn’t have given to at least know there were others like me out there!

    It took a sexually active girlfriend to make me understand that I had NO desire to be with a man and NO desire to be a woman. What she did to Mr. Happy was something spectacular indeed. Only long after that was I finally able to research online and find out that being straight and non-transitioning was typical for the majority of crossdressers.

    I’m still deeply in the closet for everyone except my wife and children (I’ll spare you my three-hour sermon on honesty and openness in marriage) *because* whenever the subject has come up, all but one or two friends and particularly none of my relatives have gotten past the “he must be gay” response. It’s a battle I can’t win, but I value their friendship more than I value acceptance so I chalk it up to an annoying trait in someone that I’m willing to overlook because I love them. Kinda like Mrs. Ralph sees the crossdressing, come to think of it…

    I also figure, it took me almost 20 years to accept myself (and understand I’m not gay), and that’s living with it 24/7 all that time. So I can’t realistically expect someone who isn’t in my shoes, or my skirt, to accept it more easily than I did.

  3. Actually, the table for Sexual Transpositions is simplistic. Consider the different possibilities for Sexual Orientation: straight, gay male, lesbian, bi-sexual….. The Transgender articles for wikipedia indicate a diversity of Gender Identities, such as cis-gender, bigender, trigender, gender fluid, androgenous, as well as Transexual (the people who do the hormones and surgery). I think there is another set of categories that are relevant to this discussion-Gender Expression.

  4. url=http://aebrain.blogspot.com/2008/06/bigender-and-brain.html] Discussion regarding different circuitry for sexuality and gender. So the scientific evidence is in, these are distinct aspects of the individual.

    1. Fascinating stuff, Grok, at least what I could understand of it (makes a threatening stab with his club at big words). But yeah, they’re attempting to compartmentalize what’s really a much more diverse and continuous spectrum.

      I like soft fabrics against my skin — satin, nylon, velvet, spandex — and I like the caress of those fabrics in a skirt rather than pants against my legs. I cry at romantic movies, I’m terrified of confrontation, I’m physically weak and uncoordinated, and I enjoy verbal and imaginative games (roleplay, virtual worlds) far more than my hunter-gatherer male friends, and I can’t stand (or have any ability with) sports of any kind or all things mechanical, and I tend to have a stronger nurturing impulse and empathy than my male friends.

      And yet… I don’t give a rat’s crinoline about personal appearance, rarely shave, hate makeup on pretty much anybody regardless of sex; I’m ridiculously overcompetitive; I’m a slob who leaves my pretty dresses wadded up on the floor with my jeans and t-shirts; I enjoy stupid violent movies with lots of car chases and explosions and can’t begin to fathom the appeal of chick-flicks that explore feelings without some kind of action moving the plot forward. I have above average (but not exceptional) skills in math, science, logic, spatial relationships *and* music and language.

      That’s why those idiotic tests like the COGIATI and SAGE piss me off. “Did you do better in school at *math *science *literature *history *spelling” and one of those answers makes me more masculine or feminine… what if I did them all equally well or poorly? I’m not more masculine or more feminine or even androgynous; I’m a mix of traditionally masculine and feminine traits.

  5. ….making threatening stab with club at big words….I am not any kind of expert on this topic. But the scientific evidence indicates that the left side of the rubber band is not divided into only two groups, straight males versus gay men. The general publics’ views are extremely over simplistic.

  6. Considering the the Bi analogy, I’m thinking that we need a new term…for men and women who can find expression on both sides of the Rubber Band.

  7. BTW, the term “Bigender” has already been taken. It refers to Gender Identity-see the Wikipedia article.

  8. I’m wondering if another analogy would be useful. Most people have a preferred hand, right handed or left handed. But there are people who are ambidextrous.

  9. In the aebrain blogs it was commented that the different brain structures could be (loosely) organized as masculine, feminine, or bigender.

  10. My guesses are as follows: a bigender effect to the area affecting Sexual Orientation will result in Bisexuality; a bigender effect to the area affecting Gender Identity will result in an individual who feels both a man and a woman; and a bigender effect to Gender Expression will result in a Casual Crossdresser.

  11. Actually, perhaps I’m being a bit simplistic with Gender Expression; perhaps it isn’t a simple either/or trait, but rather, a bundle of multiple traits. So there may be full transposition (all traits affected), or else just one or a few are affected, resulting in different degrees of transposition.

  12. One last comment…about what one is not. The A.E. Brain blog stated that many people are Bigendered in that they could function in either the male role or female role. This might conceivably, however, be a matter of aptitude, rather than gender or sexuality. I was tested and my pattern was described as that of a “generalist.”

  13. Check out http:androgyne.0catch.com. Scroll down to Four Components of Gender. “Presentation” is relevant to this discussion.

  14. I think I’m finally on the track…. Reconsidering an article, http://aebrain.blogspot.com/2008/06/bigender-and-brain.html.

    “…many people are essentially Bi-Gendered, and would be able to function in either a male or female role, as circumstances dictate…..” If I understand correctly, some individuals are unusually flexible/versatile in such matters. And if you are unusually flexible, do you really want to be constricted by a narrow sex role?

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